Getting through Thanksgiving (in One Piece)

Three Tools to Help You Through

Like many of you, I've navigated my share of dicey Thanksgiving gatherings. Whether it's political drama, outdated family roles, or just awkward conversations, holidays can bring out the best and worst in us. And there are ways to survive through it, maximizing the best and minimizing the worst.

The tools I have learned as a therapist have come in very handy indeed over the holidays, and I will share a few favorites with you. Now, if you have wonderful family dynamics or are avoiding conflict entirely by staying away from stressful gatherings, congratulations! If you are venturing into the land of family messiness, these are for you.

1) Prepare

I'm not talking about the glazed ham or pecan pie you may be bringing, this is preparation for the dynamics.

I coined the phrase, "when in doubt, zoom out" during my years training coaches, and it remains my top tool for helping myself or anyone else with a reality check. When I say 'zoom out,' I mean taking a step back mentally to get perspective. When you zoom out, you can see the bigger picture and choose how to respond more thoughtfully.

A zoom out can entail thinking about who is going to be at Thanksgiving, what the setup will look like. What will your role be? What is highly likely to happen that will drive you bonkers, and how are you going to deal when those things arise? Once I work through the most likely scenarios (which can be super quick), I can prepare to handle them.

I do the same thing with my kids, to assess what this will be like for them and prepare for their needs. As they get older, this means empowering them to make more of their own decisions.

2) Where possible, find your allies

For me, at my early in-law holiday gatherings, this was my husband's cousin's awesome-sauce then-wife, Liz. In those early years, having her was wonderful. There was always someone else there who would look at the family dynamics and say, "yeah, this stuff that seems normal to them is totally crackers."

Now it needs to be my husband. Knowing that reality, we plan for it. I practice being clear about articulating my needs to him, and he understands and agrees to support me. This is his family, after all.

Now that my kids are older, we're also able to take care of each other in meaningful ways. This ties in to my goal of moving our relationships toward more mature, adult-to-adult relationships. Supporting each other in dealing with a difficult situation strengthens those relationships.

3) Know your limits… and plan your escape

We all have limits of our tolerance. The most patient person you have ever met has limits. The Dalai Llama has limits. Your therapist has limits.

Being real with ourselves about those limits is a powerful thing.

When you are honest with yourself about your limits, you plan how to handle when they are reached. That can mean deciding to only stay a few hours. If there is travel involved, it can mean staying at a hotel or somewhere else. It can mean taking walks or getting other breaks. (I used to go shopping on Black Friday, which I otherwise cannot abide, just to give myself time out of the house.)

While it's tempting to set ambitious goals for how we'll handle tough situations, being realistic about what we can actually manage in the moment can help you avoid setting yourself up for disappointment or frustration.

Spending time with family can be wonderful, when we honor our limits and take care of ourselves. We at Bethesda Counseling Group wish you to have happy and healthy times with whoever you choose this and every holiday season.