Parenting: Tales from the Front Lines

Building Adult Relationships With Your Kids

One of the reasons I enjoy working with couples who are parents with children still at home is that I've just been through it myself. With one child just starting in college and another in her junior year of high school, I'm at the place as a parent of intentionally transitioning toward adult relationships with my children, and I still learn every day about how I can better navigate the process.

I hope that what I learn can help you as you navigate parenthood.

This week has been an important one for my relationship with my eldest, and here's why.

Even before we left to drive him to college, I mailed a letter so that he'd have one when he got to school, and I have written him a letter once a week since. He's acknowledged my letters, usually with a quick text telling me he got a new one and appreciates them.

I've spent an hour each week writing these letters - and usually, I get a single sentence in response. Still, I keep writing. I share what I'm learning, what I'm wrestling with, and what I wish I'd known when I was eighteen.

Then last Friday morning I checked my email, and I had an email with the subject "letter," from the night before. It started out by telling me that he was having his first really rough moment since he'd gotten to school.

He shared about where he isn't struggling and where he is. He shared about something that was emotionally really hard for him, and how going from being a kid at home to this whole new life was a tough transition. I share all of this (with his permission), and while of course the specifics are his alone, in general it could describe most first year college students.

At the end, he wrote, "I'm sharing this with you because I like to hear stuff like this from you." He shared about recognizing that I've always been Mom, his caretaker and not so much a real, whole person, and one that he wants to learn more about. He shared his appreciation for the letters, and asked me to please please please keep them coming.

This letter may well represent one of my lifetime highs in parenting. (And yes, I most certainly did cry on receiving that.)

Here's what I want to offer you that's important:

1. We don't have models for this: for transitioning from parent/child to adult relationships with our kids. Often, our own parents don't really know how to relate to us as independent adults. If you feel like you don't know how to do this, it's because we collectively don't really know how to do this. That's OK! If you want to be intentional about growing and changing the relationship, you can figure it out. 

2. If you want connection, be brave first. I like to say in couple's therapy, "no-one ever got anywhere by saying, "let's be vulnerable… you go first." It takes one person being brave and sharing real struggles to start a connection. This applies to all relationships, not just our children! 

3. Perseverance is a gift. So often, we give up when we don't see immediate results. Just because we don't see our impact, that does not mean that it isn't there. My letters were a gift I chose to give him, with hope that they would help ease him into adulthood. His opening up to me is icing on the cake.