Setting Boundaries

I hear “I set a boundary and they didn’t respect it!” quite often. But what that sentence tells me is that there wasn’t a boundary actually put into place, but rather an expectation.

Telling someone that you do not want them to behave in a certain way is not a boundary. A boundary is the action that you will take if something occurs that you dislike.

Try to spot the difference:

“I want you to be ready on time so we can leave, I hate being late to everything”,

vs

“Leaving late makes me feel anxious, if you aren’t ready by 6pm I’m going to leave and you’re welcome to meet me there”.

A boundary requires nothing from the other person, it is only about the actions you are willing to take in response to someone else’s behaviors. Telling someone you want them to change or to stop doing something that is irritating to you is only an expectation, and it relies on their compliance which may or may not occur. A boundary is something what’s within your control and you are informing the other person of what will occur on your end.

Boundaries can also be unannounced as well. You could set a personal boundary such as:

“If my family member criticizes me, I will get up and take deep breaths in the bathroom to re-center myself”,

Or

 “If my friends keep texting in the group chat, I will only answer if I have the capacity to talk to them”.

Some boundaries can be hard to maintain especially with work, parents, extended family members, or a romantic partner. There can be fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, or embarrassment especially if you are used to appeasing others and suppressing your needs.

Boundaries are important because they help us to set healthy parameters that consider what we are able and willing to give in the moment depending on our desires, values, and current mental capacity.

If you need help setting boundaries, please talk to your therapist or fill out an intake form to start counseling services.
-Chima