The Real Magic Ratio

One of the questions I get the most from couples starting in therapy is what can they do today to start changing things.  It’s a wonderful question, one of the best actions I can offer is to appreciate and show care for yourself and your partner more. 

Here’s the science of why.

Some of the most powerful research on couples has come from the lab of John Gottman, famous for the Gottman method and many best-selling books, a number of which I recommend to clients.  (The Love Prescription is a favorite that is short and easy to follow.)

One of the things I appreciate most about the Gottman story is how Gottman and his colleagues started with hypothesis that relationships went south due to ill-intent.  In their research, they disproved their hypotheses, discovering that, in fact, both partners virtually always thought they were doing right by their partner.  Having learned that they were wrong, the Gottman team went about learning what stories their data actually told.

One of the most impactful stories their data told was that for stable couples who landed up staying together long term, when managing conflict, partners exhibit five signs of appreciation, care, and love for every one sign of challenge or criticism.  Thus: the magic ratio of 5:1.

I frequently ask clients to identify relationships they feel like they get five times as much appreciation and care as challenge.  The hard reality is that few clients are able to name even one. (This ratio has since been studied in work environments, and was determined to be almost the same, just under 6:1, so we can infer it applies to all kinds of relationships.)

Here’s the catch: when that magic ratio gets quoted, we tend to ignore one important thing. That ratio represents how the couple handle conflict.  The Gottman team ascertained that the ratio when not navigating conflict was actually 20:1.

That’s right… in a healthy, stable relationship, you can expect to be giving and receiving twenty words of appreciation, smiles of encouragement, kisses or hugs, gentle touches, and other signs of care for every one, “hey, I noticed you put your dishes in the sink and walked away….”

Imagine if the voices in your own head were that supportive.  Wouldn't it be incredible?

If you’re ready to start working on a better relationship with your partner with the help of a skilled professional, we’re here to help. If you’re not there and still want to start things in a better direction, try showing more love, affection, and care to yourself, your partner, and everyone around you. It’s a wonderful place to start.