What Do You Leave Unsaid?

In virtually all relationships, there are things unsaid—words we have not spoken out of fear, or a conscious choice to keep the peace by not sharing.

In a strained relationship, there is so much unsaid. Each partner typically learns that there are things that aren't safe to say, so we go back to the things that are habitual, hoping that if we say it one more time, this time our partner will hear what we really mean.

What gets said over and over again? Things like:

• Why don't you ever do the dishes?

• Why can't you just listen to me?

• Why don't you just do that thing I keep asking for?

And what so rarely (or never) gets said:

• I want to be close with you.

• I don't know how we got here… and it hurts.

• This feels miserable, but I have no idea what to do about it.

• I feel alone. I'm so scared.

This is what makes couples therapy so special. I get to work with couples who have so much material. We work on learning how to receive messages safely. When we have safety, we're able to teach ourselves a new language of deeper needs.

Whether you're ready to start this work or not, there are things you can do today to start giving your relationship a chance to heal and recover. Here are a few ideas:

• Take care of yourself. I can’t stress this enough. Everyone knows the message from your airline: “Put your mask on securely before helping others.” In fact, people often roll their eyes when I share that one. But seriously, isn’t that what we’re so often doing? Flailing about without oxygen ourselves as we try to help others, becoming even more overwhelmed and depleted?

• Read a great book, together with your partner or by yourself. I love John Gottman’s books (any of them, truly) and Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight.

• Practice listening to yourself and your partner for what you sense is unsaid, especially when you realize you or your partner is repeating the same words again and again.

And when you are ready to work with a professional, we’ll be here for you.