When Is the Right Time to Start Couples Counseling?

The best part of couples therapy for me is watching love rekindle, and helping couples find a deeper connection and mutual support than they may ever have had before. Frequently, when my couples cry, I cry right along with them, and my tears are joyful. It’s such a gift to be part of that healing experience, and it never gets old.

One of the hardest challenges I face is when couples wait until things are very bad before coming in for counseling. It’s heartbreaking to watch two people who wanted to be with the love of their lives, and who years or even decades later find themselves deeply entrenched in cycles of defensiveness and pain, filled with anger and resentment toward each other.

In a recent training class, I watched a video of a powerful session… four years into a therapy relationship. The trainer clarified that it took four years of de-escalation and skill-building for the couple to have the powerful connecting experience that we witnessed. This particular couple had deep individual trauma as well as several decades of honing their own patterns of disconnection… four years is a very long time! And the truth is, the longer we wait and don’t address our issues, the longer they take to repair.

I share this because if you are even considering couples therapy, I want to encourage you to try it, now.

If through the good fortune of exceptional modelling in your youth, the benefit of your own therapy or other self-work, and a skilled partner, you have the skills to recognize and work through your own dysfunctional relationship patterns, then I applaud you! The majority of us, however, don’t have that. A skilled couples therapist can help you see your patterns, understand why they are happening, and find better, healthier ways to deal with the emotional triggers that take us into unhealthy patterns.

Here are some signs you might benefit from couples counseling:

• You recognize that you and your partner fall into the same dissatisfying patterns again and again.
• There are things you aren’t saying to your partner because you’re unsure how they would react and are afraid of their response. Your relationship is fine, but it lacks the depth of love and connection you hoped for when you chose your partner.
• You and your partner are willing to show up and work on the relationship.

If you're ready to take that step, we're here to help — as are many wonderful therapists in our area. The earlier you start the work, the faster you see results.