Can This Marriage Be Saved?

By Val Sanders

Posted: August 26, 2026

It’s a question that couples ask again and again in the therapy room.

Is there hope for us?

So often, when couples finally make it into therapy together, things have been rough for a long time. The same dynamics have played out hundreds, if not thousands, of times, leaving both partners feeling more and more disconnected and alone.

It’s not easy to come back from a deep, dark hole. It takes time, and a whole lot of uphill climbing.

And it can absolutely be done.

Here’s what I’ve learned about how couples begin to turn things around.

Get help.

Find a therapist who works for both of you. Training and experience matter, but so does personal fit. It’s important that both partners feel comfortable with the therapist. No therapist, no matter how skilled, is the right fit for every couple.

If it doesn’t feel right, keep looking.

Learn to understand the patterns you’re caught in.

One of the things I love about couples therapy is helping partners realize that the problem isn’t necessarily us. Often, it’s the patterns we’ve learned and the way those patterns combine to create painful cycles between us.

I’m trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) because I find something wonderful about that perspective. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why do you always do this to me?”, we can begin asking, “What’s happening between us, and how did we get here?”

Once couples can recognize the pattern, they have something they can actually work with—and change.

Learn new ways of relating.

Most of us didn’t grow up in homes where adults modeled really deep skills for navigating conflict with mutual respect, trust, and love. We didn’t necessarily see adults communicate openly, repair after hurting each other, or show up with emotional maturity.

I didn’t learn these tools from my family. I had to learn them as an adult, too.

Couples therapy gives us an opportunity to learn those skills: how to understand each other’s emotions, communicate our needs, navigate conflict, repair after disconnection, and build trust.

And those skills don’t just benefit your marriage. They can change the way you show up in all of your relationships.

Find an approach that works for you.

There are several well-established approaches to couples therapy, including the Gottman Method, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Imago.

Gottman is highly structured and offers couples concrete tools for improving their relationship. EFT focuses on the emotional patterns that keep couples stuck and helps partners create new ways of connecting. Imago helps partners explore how their early experiences can influence the ways they relate to each other.

My foundation as a couples therapist is EFT, but I also draw from other approaches, including Gottman and Imago. I don't believe couples need to fit themselves into a particular method. I want to use the tools that are most useful and accessible for the couple sitting in front of me.

Ultimately, these approaches are all trying to help couples do some of the same things: understand each other better, navigate conflict differently, and build a more trusting and connected relationship.

And then practice. A lot.

Knowing what to do isn't the same as being able to do it when you're angry, hurt, scared, or exhausted.

Changing the patterns that have developed over years takes time and practice. There will be setbacks. You will sometimes fall back into the old pattern. That's part of the work.

The goal isn't to never struggle again. It's to become better at recognizing what is happening, finding your way back to each other, and repairing when things go wrong.

If you’re looking for hope, it’s right here.

With commitment, hard work, and the right help, many deeply distressed relationships can change.

If you’re ready to get help, try reaching out to a few therapists. If you reach out to me, I want you to know: I have a commitment to take nothing personally. It’s OK if we talk and it’s not a fit. That’s part of my job.

And when it is a fit, and you find the right person, it can make all the difference.

Can your marriage be saved?

No one can answer that, because none of us can read the future.

I keep a crystal ball on my desk.  Not because I can see the future in it, but because it is always hazy.  It reminds me to stay humble and do my best every day to help the people who entrust me to help them, because I cannot see their future.

Many deeply distressed relationships can and do change and recover.

Not because couples learn a few communication tricks. Not because they become perfect partners.

They change because they learn to understand the patterns they’re caught in, respond differently, rebuild trust, and practice those new ways of relating over time.

You may not know yet what is possible for your marriage. Therapy can help you find out.